The Writer's Pen

I'm a "go with the flow" kind of guy – I usually row with the current, not against it. But I recently experienced something that ruined my day, and I feel the need to expound on it.

You know how bread wrappers are usually closed with those little wire twisty things? You wouldn't think there is anything about them that could upset a person. Most of them are innocuous little wire ties that you simply unwind to grab a couple of pieces of bread to make your morning toast with. Here is where the trouble comes: I believe in the "righty tighty, lefty loosey" scheme of tightening and loosening everything that doesn't have left handed threads. There are no threads involved with bread wrapper wire ties, so you should always twist the tie in a clockwise motion to tighten it around the scrunched up plastic bread wrapper opening. For those of you who don't know – clockwise is "righty tighty." It would only be plausible that to open your loaf of bread, you need to untwist the wire tie by twisting it in a counter-clockwise direction. That would be the "lefty loosey" part of the equation.

Let me qualify this discussion by telling you that I am a breakfast snob. I'm pretty much of a slob for most other meals and snacks. But my breakfast has to be perfect or I get ticked off. I want my eggs fried in bacon grease. In order to get bacon grease, you have to fry up some bacon. I don't like my bacon too crispy and I don't like it too soft. In other words, I don't want it to turn to powder in my mouth when I chew it but I don't want it sliding around my plate trying to get away from my fork, either. I also don't want it all curled up in little curly cues. I like it in straight sticks that will stand up when you pick it up by one end and take a bite of it.

As I stated, I like my eggs fried in the bacon residue. I want those eggs to sit in the hot grease until the white solidifies, then I want the eggs flipped over-easy and left in the hot grease just long enough to take the slimy look from the egg white, but not long enough to turn the yolk hard. I like wrapping the bacon in a piece of toast and smashing that combination into the soft yolk of the egg before devouring the whole concoction in a slurping, lip-smacking rush of delight and ecstasy.

I have no defense for this. It just is.

But the timing of the toast is where the problem comes up. If the toast is just a little late popping up and you're a little slow getting it properly buttered, your bacon cools, your egg yolk gets hard and you can't smash into the yolk with your toast! You have to use a fork, and that just ruins the whole breakfast.

Here's the thing: The timing of the toast is completely dependent upon your ability to get it in the toaster at the exact right time. It has to be pushed down just after you crack the eggs and pour them in the pan of hot bacon grease. It has to be taken out and buttered just after you flip the eggs over, and it has to be placed on the plate just after you put the eggs right beside the bacon on the plate. Easy-peasy.

However, all it takes to mess the whole thing up is to have the bread wrapper closed by the wire tie being twisted in a counter-clockwise direction rather than the clockwise direction. This only happens when I'm opening a new loaf right from the store. If you are normal and use the "lefty loosey" method to open the bread wrapper, before you know it, you've twisted the bread wrapper tightly closed rather than open! It takes twice the time to open the wrapper by twisting it in a clockwise, or "righty tighty," direction to open the bread wrapper. Now you're going to be late putting the bread in the toaster, which means the bacon is going to be cold and the egg yolk is going to be hard before the bread is toasted and buttered. The whole breakfast is shot just because some little weasel at the bread factory set up the wire twist machine backwards! Such incompetence! He should be fired!

Well, maybe. Especially if he is left handed, somebody should tell him about the importance of "righty tighty" and "lefty loosey."

Roger Stoner and his wife published the Peterson Patriot newspaper for more than 15 years. Since selling the newspaper in 2004 three of his books have been published. They are available on Amazon and at libraries throughout the area.