Pedley's Ponderings

Time is something that is precisely defined yet hard to gauge. As a dad six years in, I’m wondering where it’s gone.

Our firstborn, Oliver, came into this world on May 11, 2017. He was followed closely by his sister, Cecelia, on Oct. 18, 2018. They are getting older by the day and so am I, but it’s hard to put a stamp on that. Six whole years?

Fatherhood has been the most challenging duty of my life. Many of you are better at it than me, and I’m continually wrapped in my own brain wondering if I’m doing it right. Who knows – some days are better than others. Oftentimes I feel like I’m falling short.

I do know this, though. My kids are one of the few things on this planet that actually matter to me, and I’d do anything for them. Like some of you, I’m not the best at expressing that, but these two little people are the only things that keep me grounded. I’m not a perfect man by any means and they make me want to be better.

Time flies. If I were asked to provide a bullet-pointed summary of my last six years, I’d freeze up staring at the page. There are so many highlights, lowlights and everything in between that my brain would lock up. That’s life, though, and there is beauty in that.

When I was single after college living alone in a rural north central Iowa town, I found meaning in movies. A particular line from one of my favorites always stood out, even when I wasn’t a dad.

“Now we’re just here to be memories of our kids,” the main character tells his daughter.

I find that more punctual now. I never used to fear death, but I worry about it now. I worry about leaving this life and them behind. I worry about their future. I worry about the world we’re leaving them to inherit. I worry about them leaving me before I leave them.

But we only live in the present. I try to realize that and enjoy being a dad. My children are smart, sassy and fun. Sometimes they’re crabby, rude and downright intolerable. But that’s parenthood – it’s one hell of a trip.

Holidays haven’t meant much to me for a while now. There’s always too much to do and too little time to prepare. Regardless of my objectively pessimistic view, I’ll take this Father’s Day as a time for reflection – where we’ve been and how far we’ve come as a family. I’ll reflect on myself, too, and how I can be better. I’ll wonder if I’ll ever be better, too, because self-doubt is always part of the deal.

All the while I’ll remember I’m lucky to have these two kids in my life. Even on the worst days, I’d never have it any other way. They are my life, and I hope they know that they are everything to me.

Happy Father’s Day to all the dads out there. Make it a good one.

Nick Pedley is the news editor and ad manager of The Hartley Sentinel-The Everly/Royal News.